They Don’t Make Porn on Go Pros

Happy National Chocolate Parfait Day!

I woke up this morning with the kind of pain in my head that cannot be adequately described.  Imagine that scene from Alien (you know the one)… but imagine it coming out of my skull.

Forehead birthing alien aside, I was really pumped for this holiday.  I found a recipe that contained 99% ingredients I already own so I was already feeling like a winner.

https://www.ehow.com/how_12343322_make-mini-chocolate-pudding-parfaits.html

The other thing I loved about this recipe was that every step seemed like something I would naturally be inclined to do.  Use a meat hammer in place of a food processor? Obviously.  Whip heavy cream only until it’s mediocre at best?  Fuck yeah, I can do that.  This recipe was made for me.

The first few steps of this recipe were so easy I found myself second guessing if I was actually doing it right.  Just whisk dry ingredients together and add milk? Should the stove be on?  That was seriously it?  I could do this, this was going to the best parfait ever made.

Then came…. the egg yolks.

I can’t separate egg yolks.  I have tried.  I’ve tried passing them back and forth between the shells like my mom does.  I’ve tried using the fancy egg separator I mysteriously own.  It never goes well.  I cannot properly sum up just how badly I struggled with this task, so please enjoy this moment:

Here’s what the problem was: I got it stuck in my head that I absolutely needed to get any gross dangly bits off of the yolks.  Could I have just let the yolk rest in it’s little holster over the bowl until the dangler fell off?  Absolutely.  Am I known for my patience? No, not at all.  So being the impatient, and also oblivious, person that I am I thought I could just nudge it like it was a tiny poop and it would just fall off.  Turns out egg whites and turd danglers do not have the same consistency.  Other important thing I learned: a scoop with holes in it is not a good vessel for retrieving things. At this point in losing the yolk I could have just abandoned it and started with a fresh egg.  That seems both logical and sane, two things I am also not known for.  What I am known for though, is my stubbornness when I think I’m “sticking it” to someone.  Like an egg yolk.  I really put that egg yolk in it’s place.

With the yolks wrangled, it was time to face my arch nemesis: whipped cream.

In the past four years I have adamantly avoided any and all recipes that call for whipping anything into stiff peaks.  Oh you want an angel food cake for your birthday?  Too bad, you’re getting pie.  I can make pie.

I briefly debated just buying store bought whipped cream but, again, the part of me that constantly needs to prove a point won out.  I was going to show this whipped cream who’s boss.  I separated egg yolks, I could whip some stupid heavy cream into submission.  The recipe even said to use an immersion blender, which I already own like a fucking grown up.

It didn’t go well.

I don’t know what kind of immersion blender this recipe thinks I own, but mine does not whip things.  It gets really hot and smells like burning and then just sorts of gurgles things around.  Are there other attachments for immersion blenders?  Is there some secret technique I’m missing?

Maggie and Ryan happened to be in the middle of FaceTiming his mom as I was attempting this step and she offered some helpful advice: use powdered sugar instead of regular sugar.

Now here’s the thing: the recipe called for regular sugar, I’m not crazy.  It said “add one tablespoon of sugar” so I did.  Why would it tell me to do that!? No matter how much I mushed the blender stick around it never became whipped cream.  After what felt like an eternity (but was really probably only 5 minutes) I had a bubbly glob of sugar cream.  Oh, with vanilla in it.  I went rogue and through some in.

At this point I consulted an expert.  A.k.a Ryan.  I’m not one to call him an expert on most kitchen things, but the man can make whipped cream.  For my birthday this year he made the most delicious french silk pie from scratch – complete with stiff peaked whipped cream.  It was a dream.  He deemed the immersion blender worthless (and also possibly broken) and decided we should just start over with a fresh batch and hand whip it.

That sounded terrible.  I have noodle arms that are not built for hand whisking anything.  Did he not recall the months of me trying to hand whip things in the kitchen only to be handed a plate of mostly liquid at the end?  Does he not remember my slow descent into madness after trying to make stiff peaks by hand?!  Is he trying to ruin my life?

I tried it.  I whipped for approximately 15 seconds and then I promptly handed the bowl to Ryan.  He made glorious whipped cream.  Thanks bookie.

After chilling all the ingredients for about an hour (the recipe said to wait 3 hours but it was 8:30 and I needed to go to bed) we enjoyed our parfaits.  I assembled them lovingly: homemade pudding, graham crackers that were supposed to have been chocolate and also be mixed with butter but I forgot that step, then more pudding, more graham crackers and finally whipped cream.  Maggie has taken to rating everything I cook on a scale of 1-10 and had this to say:

“I give it a 10/10.  I mean, the whipped cream could have more flavor and I don’t like the graham crackers.  I’d like them if they were more shredded instead of just… this… but the pudding is good.  Next time I’ll help you shred the crackers.”

She takes after her dad.

I’m trying something new this time around btw: I’m going to try and take more videos of the experiences.  I missed a lot of the best moments last time around because I couldn’t take photos AND cook at the same time so this is my solution.  I clipped all the highlights from National Chocolate Parfait Day into a little video, enjoy!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s