Burning Butts


Happy National Baking Soda Day!

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!

I spent a lot of time debating how to celebrate this holiday – I could have made a volcano with the kids, I could have baked basically anything, I could have licked some baking soda to see what happens….

Then I woke up, had the usual morning bathroom battle where my body can’t decide if it’s better to clean out the whole system or hoard the poop like its gold bars, and made a fun new discovery.

I have a hemmroid. A classy, super sexy inflammation in my butt that causes pain and sometimes bleeding when (if ever) I poop.

Since I recently watched “A Little Bit of Heaven” – (the Kate Hudson colon cancer movie) – I immediately panicked and decided I also have colon cancer and should obviously just lay on the bathroom floor and cry…

Which I did….

Then -like all good crazy people – I googled “Blood in stool burning poop” and found a more rational explanation….

Just a good old fashioned hemmroid from trying so damn hard to poop! 

While down the google rabbit hole, I also stumbled on an at-home treatment: baking soda bath!!!!

So I thought, “fuck everything else, I’m celebrating this day by laying in a giant bowl of hot water and baking soda so my burning ass can feel better”.

Side note: I keep our baking soda in an old jam jar because I can’t seem to open those stupid boxes with exploding them…

The article I found suggested 4-5 tablespoons per bath, so I guessed and just threw fistfuls in until the water looked cloudy and “healy”. If this magic bath didn’t make my butt feel better, nothing would!

Because Mag was napping and I was feeling sad about everything (literally, everything.) I decided to class up this bath with Netflix.

Yep. Could have cleaned the bathroom, could have done ANYTHING productive, instead I propped our tiny TV on a step stool and watched Netflix documentaries about healthy eating. 

Oh yeah, and I did this ^, because no one can feel sad while wearing a panda mask. Seriously, it’s a fucking scary mask – but it makes me laugh every time!

An hour later, I think my butt felt better… it also could have been the wine I consumed while stewing in pot of baking soda and tears. 

When I shared my morning with Ryan, he reminded me that we have hemmroid cream and wipes in the cabinet – leftover from my post-birthing Maggie hemmroids…

Anyway… happy stupid baking soda day. May none of your assholes burn.

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