Everything Looks Like Shit

1/4

I’m beginning to notice a trend…

Maybe it’s because I’m a 12 year old boy on the inside, perhaps it’s because much of our conversations at home revolve around if I’ve pooped today, how it came out, and whether or not I cried over it (the answers today are yes, explosively and I cried with both joy and pain) – whatever the reason, there is a pattern emerging in our house of using terms for poop to describe things.

Mostly to describe food.

Today’s unfortunate victim: the vegan spaghetti puttanesca I made in honor of National Spaghetti Day. I was one step into the recipe when Ryan came downstairs and declared it “diarrhea water”….


So that’s how we kicked off this food holiday…

I had every intention of making basic, normal spaghetti and meatballs tonight, but once I got home I just couldn’t bring myself to roll little balls of cow while trying to hide the gluten free noodles from Ryan’s line of sight.

And I forgot to buy spaghetti sauce. 


I’m hindsight, it’s probably for the best that I went with a vegan, gluten free recipe – the shitstorm known as “Ginas burning butt” has been a good reminder that eating whatever I want, whenever I want, will end with more fingers in my ass. And I’d like to never relive THAT experience!  

Around the same time Ryan pointed out the unfortunate color of the vegetable stock… I also realized I was largely ignoring the *actual* recipe and had basically started in reverse….

I also realized that I didn’t have most of the vegetables the recipe suggested using, so I opted to grab everything from the refrigerator that was starting to get a little wrinkly…


It included one sad zucchini who was definitely on the verge of becoming a zombie, one 1/2 onion that had been in the refrigerator longer than I can remember, a red pepper that looked like an angry grandpa and a dusty can of diced tomatoes.

What could possibly go wrong?!


Oh, and some chopped basil that I through on top because I’m wild and crazy like that! The original recipe called for chickpeas, which I forgot to buy, so I threw in a package of great northern beans inside. They’re both white-ish beige colored, they’re both a type of bean – same damn thing in my book!

After combining all the ingredients in the pan (only 1 of which was actually in the recipe), i put the noodles on top – because the recipe said to cook them all together.

Actually, the recipe said to put the noodles in first…. which I did not do… 

It seemed like being completely submerged in the broth was an important part of cooking the noodles – and mine were just sad hovering on top of chunky diarrhea water – so I smushed them around a little in the hopes of getting them wet.


At this point I was hangry and thought “fuck it, those noodles are damp!” and put the lid on.


15 minutes later I had a soupy brown concoction that could best be described as “new and improved shit stew! Now with noodles”

Being that I was hangry, a little wine drunk and very tired… I ate 90% of it in one sitting then remembered that I didn’t take a picture of it…

So, imagine a plate of lumpy, yet still not quite solid poop with zucchini chunks in it and undigested noodles.

It was fucking delicious. The best tasting pile of crap I’ve made in a while. 

After dinner, I entered into the time-suck known as “Nicky needed help with his Rubik’s cube”. There were YouTube videos, there was a lot of me saying “Shhhh, mommy is working on this, you can have it back in a minute” and “stupid cross middle pieces! It’s rigged! It’s all fake!” Meanwhile, Ryan stood to the side saying “it’s all just ‘left turn, right turn, right turn’ and you just repeat that kind of shit. Just repeat the same shit over and over again and you’ll get it.”


There’s fucking code words involved, and according to this stupid YouTube guy, it’s really simple and should take about 15 minutes the first time.

LIES!!!!


You’re supposed to solve the inner-cross pieces first – which took the internet man 3 minutes. THIS TOOK ME AN HOUR!!!!!

Another hour later, I had gotten this far:


This is the point in which I gave up and accepted my fate as “not a Rubik’s cube master”. 

Fuck you Rubik’s cube. I hate you. 

Burning Butts

12-30

Happy National Baking Soda Day!

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?!

I spent a lot of time debating how to celebrate this holiday – I could have made a volcano with the kids, I could have baked basically anything, I could have licked some baking soda to see what happens….

Then I woke up, had the usual morning bathroom battle where my body can’t decide if it’s better to clean out the whole system or hoard the poop like its gold bars, and made a fun new discovery.

I have a hemmroid. A classy, super sexy inflammation in my butt that causes pain and sometimes bleeding when (if ever) I poop.

Since I recently watched “A Little Bit of Heaven” – (the Kate Hudson colon cancer movie) – I immediately panicked and decided I also have colon cancer and should obviously just lay on the bathroom floor and cry…

Which I did….

Then -like all good crazy people – I googled “Blood in stool burning poop” and found a more rational explanation….

Just a good old fashioned hemmroid from trying so damn hard to poop! 

While down the google rabbit hole, I also stumbled on an at-home treatment: baking soda bath!!!!

So I thought, “fuck everything else, I’m celebrating this day by laying in a giant bowl of hot water and baking soda so my burning ass can feel better”.


Side note: I keep our baking soda in an old jam jar because I can’t seem to open those stupid boxes with exploding them…

The article I found suggested 4-5 tablespoons per bath, so I guessed and just threw fistfuls in until the water looked cloudy and “healy”. If this magic bath didn’t make my butt feel better, nothing would!

Because Mag was napping and I was feeling sad about everything (literally, everything.) I decided to class up this bath with Netflix.


Yep. Could have cleaned the bathroom, could have done ANYTHING productive, instead I propped our tiny TV on a step stool and watched Netflix documentaries about healthy eating. 


Oh yeah, and I did this ^, because no one can feel sad while wearing a panda mask. Seriously, it’s a fucking scary mask – but it makes me laugh every time!

An hour later, I think my butt felt better… it also could have been the wine I consumed while stewing in pot of baking soda and tears. 

When I shared my morning with Ryan, he reminded me that we have hemmroid cream and wipes in the cabinet – leftover from my post-birthing Maggie hemmroids…

Anyway… happy stupid baking soda day. May none of your assholes burn.