Key Lime Turds

Happy National Key Lime Pie Day!

I have been both excited and terrified for today…

Not in a “going to flambe some food” (more on that another time…) kind of way – more like a “I can’t bake a fucking pie?!” way…

I love key lime pie but I anticipate a lot of hand mixing in this recipe and lets face it, I’m just not good at that!  I opted for a miniature, vegan version from The Minimalist Baker because I thought it would be easier, and if it worked out I could bring little pies to work like a badass hero.

*sigh* if only…

I followed this recipe SO CLOSE to exactly – I would have said I followed it exactly but…. I’m just not capable of that.  The only thing I wasn’t able to do was crush up the graham crackers in a food processor.  I don’t own a food processor.  I’m actually not sure how it differs from a blender to be honest.

What I do own is a sweet meat hammer (probably the technical term) which I used to smash the shit out of some graham crackers.

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Way more cathartic than a food processor.

And okay, MAYBE I deviated a little bit more from the recipe… but only in really small, probably-not-the-reason-it-didn’t-work kind of ways…

Like the graham crackers – I used these super awesome cinnamon graham circle things that I already had at home.

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And MAYBE I didn’t soak the cashews over night like the recipe said.

A 30 minute soak while I took my feelings out on the graham crackers was probably enough though, right?

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(I also didn’t shake the coconut milk because when I’m breaking rules, I go all out!)

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For the most part, everything seemed to be going well – I also don’t own a “zester” or whatever the hell you use to zest a lime.  I tried using a box grater and just fishing the little green specks out from inside… the filling didn’t turn as green as the pictures so there’s a good chance I didn’t get as much in as I was supposed to.  I squeezed in a little extra lime juice to compensate.  This seemed like a totally okay substitution at the time.

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I filled the little half-assed parchment paper liners that I made (I forgot to buy cupcake liners… I swear I’m an adult).  Everything looked good.  A little messy, but vaguely like the pictures.  I popped them in the freezer, cracked the cap on my Wine Cube and waited.

Why do the best desserts involve so much waiting!!!

Around 10 pm when I woke up and remembered that they were in the freezer, I ran downstairs and tried to unwrap one (quietly so as not to alert my children to the dessert shenanigans.)

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It’s hard to tell because of the shitty photo, but what you’re looking at is basically sour lime flavored poop inside of parchment paper.  It was like trying to unwrap fresh dog shit from a plastic bag after you’ve picked it up from the grass.  It tasted like I was sucking on a lime with a hint of coconut and cinnamon.  Also, don’t use cinnamon flavored graham crackers with lime… they don’t go well together.  Just stick to the basic kind – it’s for your own good, trust me.

I debated still bringing them in to work, but when I tried unwrapping one again in the morning I had the same result.  More key lime turd.  My co-teachers were impressed by my cookie baking skills and I just couldn’t let them know that I’m still actually really bad at baking.

So now I have a pan of turd pies in my freezer.  They might still be there when this day roles around next year.

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