Beer and Pie

Happy National “Drink a Beer” Day AND Strawberry Cream Pie Day!

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I’m not really much of a beer drinker.  It’s not that I don’t like beer, it’s fine I guess.  It’s also kind of weirdly sour and doesn’t taste like fruit.  Why would anyone drink something that doesn’t taste like fruit?!  But for this occasion, I’ll drink a stupid light beer that basically tastes like nothing then crack into the bottle of wine that’s hiding in the refrigerator.

Now to the bad part.

More pie.

I love pie.  I’ve told Ryan for years that I never want cake for celebrations, just pie.  Pie at weddings. Pie for my birthday. Pie because it’s been a long day and I say so.  I fucking love pie.

I could probably make a normal pie if I tried – in hindsight, that sounds a little bit like when you watch someone perform a crazy stunt then say “I could probably do that”.  I’ve made chicken pot pie with mild success though and I assume a fruit pie is the same, just without the chicken.

The problem lies with the cream pies.  I’m beginning to think that no human being is capable of making fluffy, creamy things without using an electric mixer or stand mixer.  I know generations of women did it before those things were invented – but I have these weak little girl arms that have been ruined by modern technology.  I just can’t do it.

I found a recipe from Fooduzzi for a dairy-free version that I thought would be fairly easy.  I didn’t read through it all the way before hand… If I had I probably still would have tried making it, but I would have at least spent some time trying to find the electric mixer that I SWEAR we bought once..

Once again, this recipe called for a food processor.

After the whole key lime pie incident, I was a little wary of just beating the shit out of things to make the crust.  For one thing, the three ingredients in the crust were dates, cashews – no soaking required!!!!!! – and coconut flakes.  No amount of smashing is going to make those things into a crust and will likely end with date juice everywhere – which I will forget to clean up and then Ryan will step in sticky date juice and the whole experience will be terrible.

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I used my old Ninja blender to crush everything up – and after some thought, I should probably opt for this method in the future.  It turned out a million times better than I could have accomplished with my meat hammer.

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After smooshing the crust into the pan, I used the Ninja to blend together the ingredients for the filling.

This might be where things went wrong.

The recipe said this:

Prepare the filling: Remove coconut cream from the fridge. Scoop out the solid white part and place it in the bowl of a stand mixer (a hand mixer would work, too!). Add maple syrup and vanilla, and whip until combined, smooth, and fluffy, about 1-2 minutes. It should form stiff peaks.

I had a lot of questions about this part.

First: My can of coconut cream didn’t seem to have a solid white part that was separate from a not solid part?  It was all just one solid mass.  When I tipped the can over, nothing came out, not a single drop.  It was like a Wendy’s frosty.  I think it’s called a so-quid.

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This obviously made me curious about what coconut cream tastes like – I like coconut, I like creamy things, I like Wendy’s Frostys, what could be bad about this?

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It’s so bad.  It’s like only the worst parts of coconut with the texture of Jell-o.  It was kind of like coconut Jell-o, which I know sounds kind of awesome but it’s seriously not.  It just kind of dissolved in my mouth and left this weird vaguely coconut flavor – it also sort of tasted like shampoo. It was herbal essence flavored Jell-o.

Here’s the other question I had: Is a Ninja the same as a stand mixer?

Spoiler, it’s not.

I whipped the coconut cream in the Ninja until the motor smelled a little like burning.  It was still just gelatinous coconut crap.  I added the maple syrup and vanilla and tried again. Maple and vanilla flavored gelatinous coconut crap.

So I blended in some strawberries, poured it over the crust and hid it in the freezer before Ryan could come downstairs and ask what all the blending was about…

When I took it out a few hours later, it looked like a really thin strawberry cream pie.

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If we’re being honest, it looked like a sad attempt at a frozen strawberry bar situation.  I tried cutting a piece and putting it on a plate to take a nice picture.

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I got a plate full of Strawberry Cream turd instead.  The good news is, it tasted really good.  Like strawberry ice cream with nuts.  If you close your eyes and eat it, you could totally pretend it looks like a normal Strawberry Cream Pie!

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